5 Ways To Ruin Good Relationship
Before we gained love sense, it was hard to
offer an incisive explanation for how love fails. Theories that concentrate on
bad behavior and lack of communication skills focus on the symptoms of couple distress rather than the root
cause: the overwhelming fear of being emotionally abandoned, set adrift in the
sea of life without safe harbor.
What we’ve missed for so long is that discord is almost
always an unconscious protest against floating loose and an attempt to call,
and even force, a partner back into emotional connection. Here are some of
those signs of discord:
1. The slow erosion.
When emotional starvation becomes the norm,
and negative patterns of outraged criticism and defensiveness take over, our
perspective changes. Our lover begins to feel like an enemy; our most familiar
friend turns into a stranger. Trust dies, and grief begins in earnest.
Research from the University of California
found that the quality of positive support reassurance that a partner is loved
and esteemed and is capable of taking control of his or her life is the most
crucial factor in the health of any relationship.
2. Poisonous criticism.
We never like to hear that there is something “wrong”
with us, or that something needs changing, especially if this message is coming
from the loved one we most depend on. Criticism from loved ones rings the
survival alarm bell in our brain; it sets off the deep-seated fear that we will
be rejected and abandoned.
Psychologist Jill Hooley’s work at Harvard measures the
impact of critical, hostile comments made by loved ones and shows that
disparagement by those we rely on may even trigger relapse of mental illness,
such as depression
3. Toxic stonewalling.
We all use withdrawal at times when we are hurt or
offended, or simply worried about saying the wrong thing. It’s like a pause in
the duet we do with our partner; it can allow us to gather our thoughts, find
our balance. But withdrawal is toxic when it becomes the customary response to
a partner’s perceived blaming.
One of the rules of attachment is that any response is
better than none. When we stonewall, we mostly do so in order to cut off our
emotions; we freeze and retreat into numbness. But when one dancer completely
leaves the floor, the dance is no more.
4. Dead end.
As the cycle of hostile criticism and stonewalling occurs
more frequently, it becomes ingrained and defines the relationship. These
episodes are so destructive that any positive moments and behaviors are
discounted and marginalized.
And as a couple’s behavior narrows, so do the partners’
views of each other. They shrink in each other’s eyes; the full panoply of
their personalities shrivels. She’s a carping bitch; he’s a withholding boor.
Psychologists refer to this as a process of escalating
negative appraisal, where every response is seen in the worst possible light.
Both partners become hyper vigilant for any hint of slurs and slights,
abandonment and rejection. They cannot give each other the benefit of the
doubt, even for a moment.
5. The sudden snap.
Everyone knows that an affair can cripple a relationship.
But other events may be just as momentous and damaging because they contravene
our wired-in expectations that loved ones will be our shelter at moments of
threat or distress. The young wife who miscarries and finds her husband can’t
comfort her. An immigrant who pleads with her husband for her sick mother to
visit and is told to grow up.
If we do not understand the incredible power of
attachment and its impact on us, we can inadvertently hurt our partner deeply
simply by not understanding what kind of response is required.
All such disastrous events are marked by moments of
intense need and vulnerability, when a loved one is called upon to provide
responsive care and does not come through. In these incidents, the answer to
the key attachment questions“Are you there for me when I need you?” and “Will
you put me first?”is a resounding no.
These failures of empathy and responsiveness create
wounds that cannot be put aside or papered over. Most people recognize these
wounds on an instinctual, gut level when they are describing them, even if they
have never heard of the new science of love, and many do not believe that they
can be healed. But indeed they can, even when they occur in relationships that
are already tottering.
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